After leaving an abusive relationship, many women are concerned about being "taken" again, and whether they can ever trust enough to be in a relationship with another man. Trusting should occur within relationships that are safe. You are never obligated to trust someone more than your judgment and feelings say is safe. The ability to trust others can be strengthened by gaining confidence in our ability to build safe relationships

One of the most important ways to build a relationship safely is to not let it develop too quickly. As humans, we are all capable of being led by our emotions, of making wrong choices and decisions if we are not alert. When a relationship deepens gradually, there is time to gather important information about your partner, and catch signs of an abusive personality. Abusers often have a Jekyll-and-Hyde character, and are good at hiding their negative tendencies in order to impress others. For this reason, it can be helpful to keep a journal of the relationship, so it is easier to see patterns and spot problems. You want to go slow enough to be able to safely withdraw from a relationship, if necessary, before it gets any deeper.

Some experts recommend knowing someone for at least a year before making a commitment such as marriage. A year gives you time to observe the other’s behavior during holidays and family events, note family interactions, get to know their friends, gage their job stability, and see if their actions are in line with their stated goals and opinions.

Dating is a time for learning key information about the other person. What information should you gather as the relationship develops? Helpful information can include:

• Family interactions and relationships 
• How they deal with conflict
• Attitude toward your friends and family 
• Police record
• Check employment and credentials 
•  Personal and work goals
• How they feel about their childhood 
• What their friends are like
• Attitudes about women, minorities 
• Mood swings
• Get your friends’ impressions 
• Personal and work goals
• Money management skills and style
• Respect for boundaries you set
• Their spiritual life 
• Their honesty and transparency

Even more information is needed before deciding to commit the rest of your life with someone. Some suggested minimums are:

• Do a credit check. You can get a person’s credit report for a small fee, from credit services listed in the phone book.
• Income tax returns for the previous years. They will tell you a fantastic amount about someone, such as employment, investments, and dependents.
• Ask about his medical history
• Indebtedness and financial responsibilities
• Meet his previous wives or girlfriends!
• Check pensions, wills, and insurance policies.
• Employment history and resume'
• Arrests and convictions

Does this all sound excessive? Not if it can save you years of agony later, or even save your life. And if you have not dated in a while, you need to know that dating is not what it used to be. Safety measures should be taken when first dating someone. Meet in a safe public setting on the first date. Don’t have him pick you up at your residence or work place on the first date. Meet for lunch before you meet for dinner--there is less commitment, and you have more excuses for leaving after an hour. Consider spending the first date with at least one other couple, or in a group of (your) friends. Avoid alcohol or drugs. Keep an eye on your food and drink.

Discussion Questions:

1. Can you think of other information or tests that can provided important information about someone?
   
2. Author Patricia Allen says that the sign of a wholesome relationship is that you feel either cherished, or respected, depending on your personal preference. Think of a relationship you have had. To what degree did you feel cherished or respected in that relationship? Can you think of specific actions that made you feel that way? Can you think of an incidence that made you feel the opposite?